I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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