The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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