The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
