Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
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the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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