I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize