just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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