it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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