I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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