Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is wine microwaveable?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
