Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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