You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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