On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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