sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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