YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
