I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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