if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
