So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
