Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
