fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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