on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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