I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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