So drunk its hurt
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
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She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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