I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
