Your dad touched me again.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
