Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
