So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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