Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
