I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
