The maid of honor just puked.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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