my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
