Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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