I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize