I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
