After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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