note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
