Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
