Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
