Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Randomize
