I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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