my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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