cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
