if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
pop tarts are not kleenex
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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