You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
