Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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