Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
