at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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