The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
