Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
