he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
40s are totally the cure
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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