i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
