you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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