Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
