My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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