can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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