turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
