Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
