I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
