So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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